Burnout

I know it’s a crying joke online that big companies have layoffs going on while simultaneously some get tired on the race. I just want to rageguit the jobhunt too. But I do need money. When companies have layoffs there are no winners in my opinion; people that get to stay will pick up the slack, people that get laid off face uncertainty of income. Company is not winning either. Quick savings will end up to sink the boat more. Then company gets sold and it might be the exact same pattern but with different logo. Crappy leadership is a commonly accepted laughing stock. No wonder I experienced burnout.

At first I though I’m becoming nuts! Felt bad about not accomplishing more but still dried out. I got worn out after trying to grayrock my way through the contract in a toxic workplace that had layoffs going on. Tried to bury my mind on my work tasks instead of unhealthy social structures. I should’ve left earlier. I just though to myself that since the contract is going to end eventually anyways I should stick through it. It was a mistake that caused some damage to my mental health.

Now I’m finally free from the situation but haven’t been able to muster up strength for the jobhunt. And I’m extremely cynical about jobmarket too. I’m getting some help for my mental wellbeing.

Back to image, sound and editing

I’ve been thinking about getting back to freelancing daily. I like video editing and have been searching for info about making a living online. I study programming and have a little experience about graphic design – but it’s been years since I’ve done it on a daily basis.

I bought myself a camera before my contract ended. Just checked out how my DIY –softboxes work with my new Canon EOS R50. I made softboxes out of 2 old shoeboxes with white baking paper. There should be a couple of audio cables coming on the mail. I’m going to use Tube MP as pre amp and either t.bone SC 400 or Shure SM58 to record with it.

The pre amp that I’m using is modified with Tung-Sol 12AT7W amplifier tube for cleaner sound. I figured that I rather buy a new tube than new pre amp since it’s not always told on the product description what amp tubes are used in the build.

After that I should be set for making some videos. I could edit my own video material to demonstrate my editing work. I could also take some photos outside since the weather has been really pretty for the past few days. Just don’t know how long the batteries will last since it’s quite cold but there’s only one way to find out!

Things to consider

I hope everything will get better and try to distract myself with doeing a little something every day. There are still days that I feel like staying in bed and have no energy left. But I’m glad there has also been days that have been just a little bit more productive. I should just learn to define what’s enough on my own terms and not give a fuck about expectations. Easier to be said than done. I’m still recovering and I should be honest about my limits – especially for myself. One thing at a time.

Taking some time to recover after burning out might make a person feel guilty but it’s nessessary. If constant performing has caused you to give up on your own time, interests and self-worth it’s time to stop and re-evaluate. “Is this sustainable?” “What actions do I need to prioritize to make my life look like I want it to be?”

It’s so easy to fall back into thinking that “I’ll just get throught this one thing” for a high performer. When previous goal is almost at the finishing line you move the goalpost. “And this another thing – after this another thing is finished I will make time for other matters than performing.”

Recognizing that habit of thinking is a start. Stopping to ask myself what I want and how to get there is the thing I’m working on. Making up my mind will make it easier to stay on track. Or that’s atleast what I want to believe. My best wishes to all that struggle with mental health and with todays jobmarket – I hope you feel validated and apprecciated!